1. Buy a star
2. Record a CD
3. Perform as part of an orchestra
4. Do some charity work
5. Hug my Mum
6. Spend a perfect day with my friends
7. Warn Andy not to listen to crappy music when he grows up
8. Tell my brothers and sisters I love them

3 months and counting


When we first met I made you promise
you would never leave,
then I told you of the demons,
and how they made me bleed.
I made you promise crazy things,
but your words were not enough.
I couldn't believe you loved me
To love me can be tough.
When I cry about my past and say that I'm ashamed
I know I am the only one who is to be blamed.
Then you crawl in bed beside me
and say that it's ok-so I cry for my loss of innocence
and the things I gave away.
When I can't sleep through the night,
when I toss and turn in bed,
you wrap your arms around me
and chase the demons from my head.
You say don't talk about the past
you tell me that it's gone,
you say since we're together now
it's time that I move on,
you say that I'm your angel
but if you only knew
the kind of thoughts I think
and what I used to do.
You tell me it doesn't matter
and that you love me anyway
so I cry for my loss of innocence
and the things I gave away.
They said that's how they liked it
when I dragged my nails across their backs,
but now you hold my hand in yours
and tell me to relax,
you say that this is making love
and this is the better way-
so I cry for my loss of innocence
and the things I gave away.
I never felt a thing
before you touched my heart
and when you touched my body,
I thought I'd fall apart.
When you kiss my lips,
I feel you deep within my soul
then you wrap your arms around me
promise not to let go.
When I tremble at your tenderness
and melt in your arms,
I know you really love me,
and you'll keep me safe from harm
you know I've never loved
or been loved in any kind of way-
so I cry for my loss of innocence
and the things I gave away


Silence builds an awful wreckage of a girl
It feeds on loneliness and creates a void
Grey shadows haunt and torment and torture
She is stricken and destroyed

There is no sound of laughter or happiness here
The little one has thrown in the towel today
Somber, melancholy moods decay the soul
It is futile to hope, dream or pray

Emptiness builds a home in this body
In this girl, this child where hollows have bred
A deepening sea of nowhereness consumes
And eats away at every connecting thread

Confusion feeds like a savage inside her,
Leaving nothing considered worthy remains
Destined to walk through life less ordinary
Alone, exiled, different and disdained.


In your fingertips I find a sweet indulgence, perspiration transferred moments that reap out sensational nonsense. In your arms I find safety, security,a feeling unknown to these winds, but welcomed more than ever. In your eyes I find jaded happiness, twisted mingles of smiles, and a joy of staring back. In your heart I find undiluted desire, a pull toward this being that hastens the heat in my veins. In your mind I find unresolved freedom, the contemplative states of many, soon to discover more thoroughly. In your soul I find the most important light,a gleaming of purity and beauty, a sight not befit for eyes, so instead I look onto with my own soul.
With intuition I reach inward, grasping at this presence of You and wanting to become more a part of it. So you have let me in, time falls apart at its seams. Dreams dance as lurid fire blazes through this capsule,and thanks for the invitation inside. In your soul, I find a sliver of difference, another existence new to here…and now I know it is my soul, the place in which its touched upon your Earth, eroded a nice little nestling spot, and my waters have filled the hole with exuberance.I flow freely into you now and forever, whether we are near or far there will always be a pool of me inside the deepest parts of you.


So I decided it's about time I wrote a normal post...not a depressing/goth-like/poetic/angst-ridden bitch fest :)

Time for an itty bitty update...
1. I broke my big toe...(I have a compound fracture in my hallux)
2. I've been in hospital for over a week with my hodge hodge which leaves my immune system deficient like a cat without whiskers....
3. I have contracted the most feared and possibly deadly H1N1 virus...du du DUUUU (that was supposed to be scary piano/organ chords) oh ya AKA swine flu...don't call me babe...bacon...piggy...etc it's just getting old now!

SO ya kinda all sorry for myself this week...Dar got me a new phone yay

All my friends have been in LOADS to see me they are actually the best :)

Brought me all the gossip :)

Oh ya and my room is across from a ward that is full of elderly ppl and they tend to wander in for a chat...which is cute in daylight...but after dark I wake up and there's one standing there and I'm like ZOMBIEEEEE...RUUUUUN! *thrillerrrrr*

Oh and today was bacon and cabbage day...so hence the queue for the loo which is right next door..I could hear cabbage farts all day...BARF

I shall finish this post tomorrow XD





Alone in a room with you,
Standing still,
But our Hearts Dance like wildfire.
From wall to wall,
They bounce freely,
Clashing,
But never melding together,
The walls shake,
the floors rattle,
The ceiling bends,
The pressure has intensified,
and it's about to break.
I can feel it building,
But I couldn't fathom the result,
If I break the tension.
So I do.
And the world falls apart, as I come closer
The pedestal I stood on,
Crumbles beneath me.
I pull my mask away,
And show you,
What you already saw.
You,
The person who could see
Past the mask I had on,
Past what I pretended to be,
Past what the others had seen.
Crying,
And broken,
You need someone.
I choose to be that person,
If you decide to let me in.
A hug,
Fierce in it's meaning,
But gentle in it's touch.
A moment frozen in time,
Spent alone with you.
The tears stream down my arm,
From where they fall from your face,
The face I want to cradle,
The face that disguises pain,
A pain I wanted to take away.
A broken embrace,
Time moves forward,
But still you stay,
In my arms, a moment longer.
My heart soars,
And roars
Triumph,
As yours hides, fades away from mine,
and darkness,
Pursues my celebration, swallows it,
and I'm left alone.
Again.....


A thousand tiny cuts add up to form one jagged slash.
A thousand broken promises can cause your world to crash.
A thousand misspent tears dried up,
a thousand stained-glass faces;
A thousand cuts pierce cleanly through a thousand wretched spaces.
When every dreadful nightmare shines its light on muddied wishes,
And every acid rainfall kills a billion tiny fishes;
A thousand words won't sanctify the wars waged on religions,
The thousand cuts will spread and sow some sacrilegious missions.
When looking forward at the past,
these missions seldom matter,
When picking grapes, the lot gets dropped,
entire vineyards splatter.
The sum of her unspoken words became too pure to give.
Her death came by a thousand cuts, because she feared to live.


When I close my eyes and count the droplets
eyelids think the tears have come;
Sifting sand through stubby fingers,
like barbed wire, softly spun.
Jagged peaks on shifting landscapes
swelling till all shadows cry,
Hatred screams its garbled greetings,
answers stop and crack the sky.
Stars align like neon road signs,
pointing out the cosmic streets;
Slips of memory's whispered secrets,
pinching jewels from princely feet.
Cackling laughter echoes wildly,
gazing into dimming fires;
Seek the truth and stop the madman
pinning toward his warped desires.
Out of caves flow bats and rabbits
coexistence growing harder;
Nature's battle, howling anger
changes fear to something smarter.
City lamps and rural moonlight
gathers all the darker scholars;
Count the pebbles, pile the harvest,

Watch the specter count the mourners;
watch him grin in patient waiting.
Watch the specter call the order;
Watch them line up...watch the hating.


Like blood spattered in the snow they lay

The tiny heart-like petals fluttered in the breeze

They offered no resistance and blew away

Their dispersal showing pain will ease

The false love they stood for gone

We yearn for love but choose not well

The secret formula like witches spells

Is hid from us and no one tells

The old wounds heal but leave a scar

So this time we will not fall so far.



As I look in your eyes I fall in love
You look up to the cloudy sky
Tasting the raindrops as they fall
I lift my head to look up
As I catch a drop on my lips
You suddenly held me tight
I opened my eyes
As you kissed me soft and sweet
I still feel those raindrops on my cheek
I tasted the raindrops
Pure bliss
I remember that moment
My raindrop kiss

We held each other

The sun came out from beneath the rain
The most beautiful colors I've ever seen
The sun was setting, the moment was perfect

As the sun slowly set and the sky lit up
You began carving our names in our special rock

In my heart this memory is locked
As our names were finished and permanently engraved
We watched the sun finish its day

Never again will I taste the raindrops
The way I did with you
And as my heart is breaking
I say goodbye to you.


Consumed by fear
Blinded by pain
Nothing to offer
But this feeling of blame
Many things were said
And few were done
Trusted by all
Misguided by one
Alone in this world
As the people pass by
With the look of agony
And tears in their eyes
Swallowed by hate
Forgetting your love
Paying this debt
While you rest above
Sometimes hearing
What sounds like your voice
A constant reminder
It was always my choice
Days pass me by
As the pain grown strong
Still your love is here
My life seems so long
Consumed by fear
Blinded by pain
Nothing to offer
But this feeling of blame


Black is not a colour
It is the void of colour
The absence of pigment
The absence of light
It is hollow and empty
Black is where the sun went
Barren and desolate
It is the childless womb
The empty playground
It is the mute singer
Black is the infant's tomb
Bleak and unshaken
Black is where colurs go
When they are forsaken
I have to tell you this
Just so you know
Black is not a color
It is the death of the rainbow




dogwood hearts
september wrote
sweater sleeves
paper boat
walrus sneeze
orchard fall.
goose king
knobby knees
tulip glove
pearl wrist
cupboard mouse
fairy mist
doll mouth
apple seeds and things
spiders
thimble tea
merri-go-rounds
string
birds
kites
fine by me
firefly
wing. flock.fling.
puddles in shoes
clouds in hair
I am rain drawn in wrinkles of smiles
bedsheets
trees
devour me,please
shoeboxes
wooden spoons
umbrella knots
trapeze wings
balloons in bottles
mimes melting
muse
carry me
chandelier maps
fairy box
dust by candlelight
music note lace
shadow fright
black ribbon fingers
sticky branch
button eyes
swimming
blanket threads
dancing
piano
bare chest
head is climbing
down the stairs
arms are drowning
in seafoamy white

fly, stars. fly.


I wove a thousand tears into these words...
You would never think to contemplate,
and you skim the surface,
and nod
as if you really understand,
so far off in space,
and not a single tear will seep through,
not even for a moment will you wonder,
what it would be like to walkin my shoes,
not even for a second would you stop,
and think what you may be doing to me,
selfishness, for my selflessness,
and I just cant chase your ghost anymore,
I just cant bare the one sided love,
with false hopes that you toss into the air,
just to watch me scramble to catch them,
bloodied, heart in hand,
take it,
I've no use for it anymore,
and I just cannot bare the sound of its faded beat...
Please...no more.


I've actually been crying for 50% of the time...
I hate hospital...I hate being sick...and I hate not seeing my family :(
I miss my Mom and my brothers and sisters and I even miss the beast :(
I'm actually too pissed off to blog...so...maybe another day


I'll write it out in the sands to fade away, to fade away
I'd scream it out but I dont know what my selfish heart,
selfish heart might say
so take a breath,
and breathe me in,
I'll get so far underneath your skin
my selfish heart doesnt know
So fill my heart with poison,
close my eyes and hold on tight
feel it rushing through your veins
as we lay here side by side
love is ment to be more than this drug we fight
lust, is taking over tonight, we can let it go,
fight this hands down,
fight this its getting closer now